The first time the floor fell out from under me, I was only ten years old. My mother died just six months after being diagnosed with cancer, a timeline so fast it felt less like a passing and more like a theft. By the time I got to college, I had already built a personal relationship with depression.
So, when my best friend’s brother was shot and killed, it didn't just sadden me—it leveled me. I was trying to cope with my first internship, to maintain friendships, be 21, and graduate college. That family had become my second family, my safety net. When they broke, I broke. I didn’t just fall into a depression; I dove into it, sinking into my bed with my bottles drowning me. Slowly everything I was working towards slipped away.
When you’re in that deep, the world shrinks to the size of a liquor bottle and the four walls of a bedroom you can’t bring yourself to leave. My dad’s neighbor, a therapist herself, eventually threw me a rope. She recommended a friend of hers to work with me.
For nearly two years, that woman was my entire world. We met weekly, sometimes twice a week. She was there when the addiction took hold, and she was there when things got even darker—after I was sexually assaulted and the depression curdled into suicidal ideation. I was failing every class, a ghost in my own life, only stumbling to the nearest 7-11 or liquor store to refill my cup.
She was the one who finally got me into rehab after two different stints in the psych ward. But addiction isn't a straight line. I left rehab early, promising my father I wouldn’t drink for 6 months so I would be able to learn to drink properly afterwards, and graduate college. Upon returning home, my roommates kicked me out of our house after finding me hidden in my closet; high, but not drunk. I didn’t drink for those 6 months, but I didn’t stay clean. I moved into my own apartment where I could hide how bad things really got. I continued to work with my therapist, showing up to our sessions high and not working towards any of the goals we were setting. Somehow, through a haze of survival instinct I didn't know I still had, I managed to graduate. My 6 months of no drinking had finished and against my therapist's advice, I ran.
I fled to Mexico. I spent months there, thinking a change of scenery would fix a broken spirit, but I only spiraled further. By the time I touched back down in Oregon, I was desperate. I knew I was dying. I reached out to the one person who had always held the rope for me, expecting her to pull me up again.
She said no.
She declined to work with me. At the time, it felt like the ultimate betrayal. I had trusted her with the most jagged pieces of my soul, and in my moment of greatest need, she closed the door. She said she couldn’t help me anymore, even if I got sober as she couldn’t trust me. I ended up back in the psych ward shortly after, vibrating from a week of no sleep and a body fueled by nothing but chemicals and alcohol.
But that "no" did something "yes" never could. It forced me to realize that no one person could carry me—I had to learn how to stand on my own shaky legs.
I was able to find a new therapist. I moved in with my lifelong best friend. I started attending meetings. I learned to ask for help, and hold myself accountable. There wasn’t a choice anymore.
Today, I am nearly two years sober. I’ve held the same job for over a year, and I’m in a beautiful, loving relationship. After nearly a year of working with my new therapist she told me something I never thought I would hear, “Leah, I think our work here is done. It’s time for you to put your skills to work. You may always reach back out to me, but it’s time for you to start living your life.”
Each goodbyes has set me free, and for that I am grateful.
Goodbye, Leah.
